First of all I just want to say that I hope this isn't breaking the forum rules. I checked the rules and it seems as if what I'm about to talk about is okay, but I'll just keep this here in case.

Well the reason I'm posting this here and not anywhere else is because I feel as if a lot of the users on this forum are like myself (or maybe not, we'll see). Basically, by "myself," I mean an introvert, a geeky, introverted, nerdy person who's fascination with everything electronics/computerized has led them to not be very social and "out there," to not have a 1,000 friends and 1,000 messages on Whatsapp and a 1,000 plans every weekend. I grew up on my computer, inside it, under it, above it, electric shocks everywhere, gaming, intentionally giving myself viruses and blue screens everywhere, webpage design, failed drivers, failed scripts, failed codes, working with all kinds of Linux systems, trying my hand at developing an Android app (and failing terribly), and then the more and more I worked, the better and better I became. And I did become good. I am getting very good grades at AUB today and my code doesn't run infinitely, for example!

But all of this fascination with computers and electronics came at a price. I am anti-social today, I have a few friends that I don't see a lot, and I've had one girlfriend my entire life. She was never even really my girlfriend because I never asked her out! I was that shy, that weird, that stupid! But she was something to me for the past 4-5 years. For the past 4-5 years, she stuck to me, and we would do everything together, and we had feelings for each other and we both knew it. But a few days ago she ended things, she told me she wanted to end "us." She said I needed to grow and develop, that I was still too lost in my own head. She said I didn't know what I wanted, who I was, where I wanted to go. And she's right.

My head is full of doubts, questions, wonderment, just, so fucking messed up. I believe all this has to do with my lack of exposure to, I don't know what, lack of sports, friends, I don't know, something. Maybe some of you developed in the same way but you still have very successful lives. Me, I don't know what happened with me.

And so she left me and I've just come to realize that I depended on her much more than I ever thought I did. It was almost as if I am a boat and she was the anchor, she made me hold on and not let my mind drift out to fucking God-knows-where. And now she's gone and everything is creeping back in. All my anxiety, all my awkwardness, all my fucked-up mind with its questioning and doubting, my self-induced headaches! Everything is coming back and I just feel so alone. And the scariest part of all of this is that I feel as if all these problems will keep me from progressing in the future. Isolation is the worst form of torture you can practice on a human, and I feel as if I'm getting the worst of it.

And now I'm in my senior year of university, where I should be studying my hardest, and even now finals are coming up for the Fall semester, but I'm stuck. Sometimes I feel as though my love for computers and all this shit is a curse. Sometimes I feel like I want to ruin everything I worked for because I feel as though the social cost I had to pay was too damn high.

She was everything to me and now the one thing that I had and could hold on to is gone, and now my mind is creeping in, my lack of confidence, my low self-esteem, my lack of social skills, my doubting, everything, it's all creeping back into my life, and I feel as though the world around me is falling apart.

I'm sorry for the long post.