mesa177
It's no surprise that someone would grow an aggressive attitude when handling the stress of working under certain local conditions. It becomes a problem when you have to control it.
I've suffered for the past 5 years from aggressiveness, so I took my friends' advice to try to control it:
1- I took workshops and read books about turning my passive aggressive attitude to assertiveness
2- I try to smile more often (they say a happy attitude comes from feeling happy)
3- I walk away from situations that would upset me on spot and deal with them when I calm down, and try to pace myself when confronting people who upset me
4- I breath deeply, count to ten, and try to recall why I got angry in the first place
5- I physically walk to try to get out the stressful energy that builds up inside
However, recently some situations have risen where none of the previous steps are helping out, and while I'm controlling myself at work, I'm tending to lose it and burst at my family and friends.
I honestly tried yoga and some other meditation techniques, but I found out that I get more frustrated than I was in the first place. So, any advises on what to do?
rtp
well my theory about anger is that one is angry at himself/herself... rather than the outside, i think the primary reason comes from oneself and outside things just build up... then you have a pretty pissed person inside you just want to burst out...
and i find it extremely sad, that we tend to hurt the people we love the most, because we know that they will always stick beside us.
So sad!
Its true that stress from work is annoying, but i think when one is somehow content with his life and realizes that stress is part of life and that one has not to focus the bad things in life but to take them as they come, you have this cushion that makes you immune to main stress from the outside....
i think the trick in life is to balance your work and your life...
that what comes to mind :)
arithma
Maybe you want to discuss the specifics of your situation. What specifically is getting on your nerve.
At times it really just helps to make diet changes. I am no medicine guy but it seems mentally strained people are advised to get boatloads of magnesium. Though personally it did nothing. My archenemy is migraine. It really leads to situations similar to yours.
The magnesium thing is of course something you must talk about with a professional. However from my research, magnesium deficiency could be at deficit in the body, and it could do all kinds of weird things to you.
Gamer
5- I physically walk to try to get out the stressful energy that builds up inside
why not up the game, go do sports or similar stress relieving work out.
Joe
Yoga, meditation, deep breathing, ... This may calm you down but you're not solving the issue. Clearly there's something "deeper" (this word sounds so scary) bothering you. Simple advice: Try to remember why you got angry in the first place. But I'm not talking about the catalyst of your last rage burst. I'm talking about this emotion that surfaces for a split second before your subconscious buries it underneath the silliest excuses and everything stops making sense in your mind.
This is very simple to say, but insanely difficult to do. A serious deal of introspection is needed, being able to face who you really are and what really makes you stressed is probably the most difficult thing you can ever go through. Just like Serge says, you'll very likely find out that it's you you're angry at, maybe something you said or did, something you're ashamed of having done, I don't know, I honestly don't. You alone can find the answer to this, and I should warn you it won't come easy.
Have you considered therapy?
On the cruelty of suggesting therapy
This is a topic I take very seriously to heart. The society we live in (if you're thinking Lebanese smack yourself in the head. I mean "human society", it's the same everywhere) has the most insane prejudice and stereotypes on what psychologists do. We love to think of ourselves as "perfectly normal" or "a little crazy" and think that only nutjobs should go seek professional help.
That supercilious stand we take drives me nuts. Every single one of us can benefit greatly from therapy. It just sucks that I have to point that out.
The human mind is a very complex thing. I don't claim to understand how it works, but recent events led me to realize certain things:
1- There's a lot going on in our minds that we are not fully aware of. Those "hidden thoughts" govern our actions and re-actions far more than our "conscious" mind. I believe it was Freud who detected it first but who cares about history. He called it the subconscious mind. Anw, do this test. Try to subtly get people close to you (family and friends) to share their perception of you. Be subtle as to avoid niceties or politeness. I bet you'll find a gap between the way you think of yourself and the image you're projecting to the world.
2- Often the things buried in our subconscious mind are put there deliberately by us. The causes are extremely varied. To me it was realizing that my actions did not meet the high standard I was holding myself to. Instead of facing my weaknesses, I chose to ignore them and bury them were I won't see them. Those were definitely causes of anger bursts.
3- It takes huge amount of efforts to get ourselves to face those facts. It doesn't happen overnight, expect a lot of crying, emotions, sadness, joy, etc. While the process can be done alone, a professional help is highly valued. In other words I am not suggesting you need therapy, I'm merely stating I think it would help you out a lot.
4- Unfortunately, bare in mind that proper therapy lasts years, and cost a ton of money. It's not always easy to convince your parents to spend this money even though you're not crazy. The whole issue of prejudices comes forward and if I have little chance of convincing anyone on this forum, it might be more difficult to convince your own parents. After all can you blame them? They grew up at a time where only mentally insane people or the ones having gone through extreme traumas, in other words "malfunctioning" people, would seek professional help. There was no awareness that therapy was a normal stage of self-improvement. (For the record, mesa, I have no idea how your parents are or how they'd react to this. At this stage I'm really talking to the abstract "you" that is every reader of the forum).
Bottom line
I wanted to mention therapy because I want to break a taboo I feel strongly about. Needless to say, it is not your only solution. Remember I said I believe you don't need it. Focus on introspection, and come up with your own answers. For one thing, I believe you reaching out to the community that way shows strong signs of maturity and admitting falling to anger is already a big part of the battle won. In the meantime it's good that you manage to control yourself at work, don't be too harsh on your family though. They care about you too much :)
I wish I could give you some simpler advice like "drink green tea". I honestly wish I could...
Kassem
arithma wrotestrained people are advised to get boatloads of magnesium.
Yup, this is correct. I would also suggest you do sports as well. I know from a personal experience - and I'm really one of those who get pissed off quiet easily - that working out makes me forget all about what's stressing me and pissing me out.
Also, I've noticed that when I leave the gym for a while, and my body starts to look awful, I tend to get depressed and angry very easily. Now I'm taking a 1-hour walk on a regular basis, and I'm really feeling much better.
Nabs
Magnesium shouldn't be taken without proper professional checkout first. Also, it's aimed for people with bipolarity disorder. So, if you have rage inside, magnesium is NOT what you should go for. If magnesium isn't absorbed properly by the body to react with what it's supposed to react with, it will do damage to other physical organs. Heart block, kidney failure, anxiety, and massive nightmares can all be caused by a simple less than 300mg a day which clinically is proven not to have much effect on an average adult. Sometimes though, rules don't apply, and it becomes a living hell. Fellow geeks, I know you all mean well, but please don't prescribe medication based on experience or stories. Magnesium could lead to killing someone. Once, I tried Xanax, which turned out to have a lethal side effect and I could have died.
xazbrat
Don't take meds or supplements unless you get a prescription,
My 2 cents--relax, take it easy, and let things go. You have to realize there are things beyond your control and have to recognize that you can't control everything. You can do certain activities that will help you deal with the aftereffects like working out, exercise, yoga and meditation and hope they work, but ultimately, you still have to let things go.
When all else fail, you can always drink more or start drinking. ;)
xterm
Here's a small none scientific mumbo jumbo, tip from someone who doesn't suffer form anger management but has dealt with many that do. Mind you, you will not like it.
Do not take meds, do not see a psychologist, work out if you want and all that crap, but none of those will help you unless you're willing to change. It's all in your head, your anger no matter how immense it is, no matter what you get angry upon, is neither helping you nor is it helping the people you are surrounded with. You're a big pain in the ass when you get angry, when you snipe at someone, when your vein pops out of your head just begging people to leave you alone until you calm down.
Everyone has stress, everyone has problems, everyone has responsibilities, everyone has bad co-workers, everyone has bad jobs, everyone has bad surroundings; It's how you respond to this that partially separates you from the rest. I'm not being friendly here, I know; I have dealt with 'angry' people my entire life, we've tried everything with them, none of the methods worked from meds to therapy to gatherings (forgot the real word here).
Let me tell you what worked, person X got so unbearable that everyone around him stopped communicating with him. We mainly said "The hell with him" and you know what? after a week of being secluded from the group and from the family, he woke up and realized that his anger was basically nothing and about nothing. He realized that whatever he's getting stressed about, there are millions of people that have it worse.
Perhaps my words probably mean nothing to you and they definitely will mean nothing to others which have brought some 'scientific' replies to you, but i tell you this, wake up and realize that you're only hurting yourself and your surroundings and I hope you get better.
samer
Here's what worked for me:
• Doing strength training three hours a week.
• Living abroad. My four months in Oslo were invaluable to me when it comes to personal development. Living alone and away from my family and friends allowed me to introspect and get a better grip of things.
• Being around happy people.
I also recommend you check out
cognitive behavioral therapy, which has some applications to deal with anxiety disorders and OCD.
mr-anderson
try some short-acting anxiolytic like xanax or lexotanil. 60% of Lebanese population are on them.(uou need a prescription)
just take a pill when you can't control yourself.
dont worry, you wont become a junkie, just try it for a couple of weeks that's all
Living and working in lebanon can be very frustrating and can lead to depression
This is the fastest and most effective way to control your anger and stress, medically approved!
monkey-d-luffy
Go to see an endocrinologist. Usually stress is caused by a specific steroid hormone: Cortisone. If at noon or at after noon you have high concentration of cortisone in your blood, this means that this is a pathological case, if not then go see a psychiatrist.
I'm in Med school so I know what I'm talking about
eurybaric
Motivational: Be happy you don't suffer panic attacks :(
rolf
PS: couple that with xterm's advice and you should have a long term solution.
Regarding tranquilizers, psychiatrists, etc, just as xterm says, it will only work if you really, deeply want it to work, and expect it to work, and believe it to work. Otherwise you're just killing your time and and making someone happy with your dollars, that's if you're not frying your brain with "medication".
mesa177
The suggestion of magnesium deficiency is not possible, since I always make sure to consume green vegetables, beans, raisins, and multi-cereal bread (contains whole unrefined grains) to make my daily quote of 310 mg, as required. Also, un-prescribed medication is out of the question.
The idea of seeing a psychologist if needed is not bad, and my previous years of NGO volunteering give me a nice supply of family psychiatrist contacts. There's one whose actually quite the friend so I'll ask her about her opinion.
@Monkey D. Luffy: Your suggestion makes the best sense of all, because the stress and aggression are often accompanied by indigestion, long periods of heartburn (mostly 2 or 3 hours even after taking antacids), minor case of eczema, extreme fatigue, and nausea (and even some times vomiting). A doctor credited it to long hours of work and stress, but I'm starting to doubt the family case of stomach ulcer beginning to creep upon me.
So I guess the solution is to keep and anger journal for 2 weeks, and see what happens...
Beej
Endocrinology is great of a suggestion.
Now if the physicl thing is solved we still have the mental. You have to try and change the way you think about the worries in your life. Its not about running away from them, or even facing them. You cant face and beat something without embracing it first. Be emotional and logical at the same time, try to see things frm others perspective and try to see them from far away. If you are arguing with your friend, dont think what would i do or what would he/she do, think if i am looking at this from another perspective as if watching something, what would be right?
Its all in your hand, make no mistake. No matter what you hear, think, or actually make yourself believe that its not in your hand, you know your loosing the battle.
And i have to ask you something, did you ever fall on your chest/stomach area in your life?
taekh3
1st, i have to say I'm 100% with xterm & Beej.
Anger Management issue, to be honest it's common nowadays due to "Life / Work / Family / Relations" Stress but no matter how big the problem still can be controlled and why not even solved.
An advice from someone who doesn't suffer form anger management but has faced & dealt with many that does, don't you ever take any meds, don't see a psychologist those 2 will sink you down hill and i really mean it. My advice is to talk about the issue & discuss it with someone close to you that understands you well, because talking itself is a stress relief. At the end it's all in your hands & your the one who's suffering from the consequences on the long run but remember life is short Literally there's nothing worth the anger (Life is Short).
Think Positive, Be Positive, Live Happy, Be Happy.
xazbrat
Changing what you listen too when you feel that you are going to bubble over may help. Personally, I like to listen to classic reggae when I need to calm down, but that's not for every one. Here are some "calming" examples:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU (oldie, but goodie)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_DKWlrA24k&ob=av2n (picture yourself on a beach somewhere).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIjkW6iyXNo
Badieh
I cherish the anger to give me more strength into the dark side. Cowardly Jedi.
